The Up & Down Emotions of a Diagnosis Part IV-To go or not to go: A Personal Battle

May 25, 2011
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As the date for the camp drew near, I felt myself getting more and more apprehensive. I reached out to friends and family searching for a solution to my thoughts and feelings.

Some individuals thought it would be good for me; a chance to meet people with the same illness as myself. Maybe, a chance to really come face to face with my fears and learn more about the things I feared the most.

Others told me that they agreed with my rational and completely understood my fears. “Why would you possibly want to see the things to come? No, it’s a bad idea. You shouldn’t go. It will just stir up a mixture of emotions. Why look into a crystal ball?”

And then of course there are those that told me, “It’s your decision. You have to do what is best for you. If you feel like you are ready; you should go, but if you are feeling nervous then you aren’t ready and you should just say no.” Of course, that advice never helps. I already knew it was my decision, I just wanted an honest opinion.

So needless to say, after asking multiple people and receiving an abundance of advice, ultimately in the end the choice was left solely up to me. This fact holds true to any situation that anyone is given throughout life. You can’t blame anything on anyone else; ever. In the end, every decision is your choice whether to do something or not to do something.

My emotions were even more array and I was left to make the final decision. Not only was I left with the decision about attending the camp, but the decision also involved telling my supervisor and letting her down.

Well, I wish I could come up with a happy ending and say that I was tough, strong willed and decided to go. However, I did not…..

I will say that I contacted the MS Society and tried to attend the camp as a volunteer. I envisioned myself going to the camp, but not revealing that I; myself had MS with the intention that I wouldn’t have to feel uncomfortable or have to answer any questions. I wanted to just sit and listen to the individuals and “soak in” their stories. Unfortunately, I was told that they had enough volunteers and they would welcome me at the camp with open arms despite having a very mild case of the disease.

I thought about this for a few hours and I still came to the same conclusion that I did not want to put myself in the situation. I sent an email to my supervisor that had originally invited me and I enlightened her regarding my thoughts and feelings hoping that she would understand and not hold it against me.

I sat at home the entire weekend wondering if I had made the right decision…..

Check back Friday May 27, 2011 to read more about the Ups and Downs of a Diagnosis.

Author: Jess