Tagged with: awareness diagnosis disability exercise fitness Physical Activity recreation wheelchair
Up until that day I thought I had a good handle on my MS diagnosis. Up until today, I thought I’ve learned to accept it. I have not.
Unfortunately, I must admit that instead of taking my original goal and purpose and believing that the reason for my diagnosis was to help others going through a similar experience as myself, I have currently found myself “star stricken.” Now that I am face to face with these challenges; I don’t know what to do. I am like a deer caught in the headlights. I know I have to move and act upon the situation, but I can’t.
After watching that video and hearing a guy 5 years younger than myself ask me if I was in a wheelchair I don’t know that I can handle going to the camp. I don’t know if I am mentally or emotionally prepared to witness first-hand what may or may not be my fate. On one hand, I think it would be good. I could find myself encouraged at the individuals’ attitudes with a Progressive form of MS. On the other hand, I could think to myself that I will never have that positive of an attitude if I become like them and may find myself praying that I will never become like them.
Prior to my diagnosis and my recent panic about my prognosis, I would often find myself reading blogs or articles about individuals with disabilities and found them highly encouraging. However, now I’m reading these things from a different perspective. Knowing deep down that I could end up being just like them becomes a different story. You no longer are faced with a simple feeling of “encouragement” but you find yourself literally questioning…”Would I or will I be able to handle that condition as well as them?”
I feel guilty. I feel selfish. Why do I have the right to be up and walking and enjoying everything I could prior to my diagnosis, and yet they do not? Why do I have the right to be scared? If they can handle it why can’t I? Why do I have the right to go to a camp called, “Camp Can Do” when I’ve yet to experience NOT being able to do something?
Check back Friday May 20, 2011 to read more about the Ups and Downs of a Diagnosis.