The Up & Down Emotions of a Diagnosis Part III: The Ongoing Battle of Acceptance

May 18, 2011
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Up until that day I thought I had a good handle on my MS diagnosis. Up until today, I thought I’ve learned to accept it. I have not.

Unfortunately, I must admit that instead of taking my original goal and purpose and believing that the reason for my diagnosis was to help others going through a similar experience as myself, I have currently found myself “star stricken.” Now that I am face to face with these challenges; I don’t know what to do. I am like a deer caught in the headlights. I know I have to move and act upon the situation, but I can’t.

After watching that video and hearing a guy 5 years younger than myself ask me if I was in a wheelchair I don’t know that I can handle going to the camp. I don’t know if I am mentally or emotionally prepared to witness first-hand what may or may not be my fate. On one hand, I think it would be good. I could find myself encouraged at the individuals’ attitudes with a Progressive form of MS. On the other hand, I could think to myself that I will never have that positive of an attitude if I become like them and may find myself praying that I will never become like them.

Prior to my diagnosis and my recent panic about my prognosis, I would often find myself reading blogs or articles about individuals with disabilities and found them highly encouraging. However, now I’m reading these things from a different perspective. Knowing deep down that I could end up being just like them becomes a different story. You no longer are faced with a simple feeling of “encouragement” but you find yourself literally questioning…”Would I or will I be able to handle that condition as well as them?”

I feel guilty. I feel selfish. Why do I have the right to be up and walking and enjoying everything I could prior to my diagnosis, and yet they do not? Why do I have the right to be scared? If they can handle it why can’t I? Why do I have the right to go to a camp called, “Camp Can Do” when I’ve yet to experience NOT being able to do something?

Check back Friday May 20, 2011 to read more about the Ups and Downs of a Diagnosis.

Author: Jess

  • Dixie_squirt

    dear jessica your feelings to me seem quite natural i think all who have ms or some other medical condition feel and think the same things but we all have to remember only God knows why and only he knows his plan for each of us.but i think you are a strong person a loving caring person and you have never been one to be selfish you do what you do for others and you encourage others and don’t give up and you do the bike rides and mud runs for those who can not so that maybe there will be a cure for ms and other medical conditions. your heart is big your soul is big. those of us who do not have ms can only imagine all the emotions you feel but those who do have ms i now feel the same emotions you have at some point of time so again do not be so hard on your self and remember to be stong an keep fighting never quit and your family will always be there we are your rock!  

  • Dixie_squirt

    dear jessica like all parents my heart aches so bad for you like all parents i wish it would have been me instead of you. but God did pick you for a reason honey which we do not know except for the person you are, you have the stength and love for people and you have all your families strength and love to so we may ask ourselfs a thousand questions we may never get answers for we must be strong have faith and take each day as it comes and let God guide us. remember we are all here for you! love you!